Letter to Audrey - 1

 

Dear Audrey,

This is my thorough answer to your manifest indecision and, with a certain degree of certainty, sadly, my last message to you. 
I fully understand and absolutely respect your hesitancy, which is why, I reckon, it would be more reasonable to let it go, for real.
My heart is in pain as I write this letter to you. I wonder what we could have done together to make this work out and what we could have done together in the future. 
But there is too much at stake to meet with this spirit. If you don't feel like meeting, it's ok.
You should embrace your new life and I don't want to hold you back.
But I ask you to please put in writing your feelings for me. If this is going to be our last exchange, I would like to have something of you I can look at, whenever I have doubts, where I can find answers.

When we broke up - something that I didn’t quite want nor really planned - you didn't want to discuss what was wrong in our relationship and that has left a void in my heart and in my mind for months. I met a person immediately, who has not filled that void, rather accompanied me for some time, anesthetizing the feeling of disillusion you left in me.

When you texted me at the end of October, while fleeing Amsterdam, that you wanted to see me before returning to England after 10 years on your ontological run around the world, I knew it was extremely dangerous for both to meet, but I really wanted to see you and talk to you and try to understand what was going with you now and what really went wrong back then. Despite my attempts to understand you, the way you feel, the way you love, the way you think, the way you take decisions, remains, at least partially, an unsolved mystery for me.

Notwithstanding the above, now, after we have met again, I feel like missing you and my imagination travels fast when I speak to you and when I think of you.

I always try to be very clear, honest, and direct, because in expressing my feelings and thoughts, by putting them in writing, I do not simply try to leave little room for the reader's interpretation, but also to organise them, for my own future benefit.

As I told you, I am at a time in my life when I want to think about my career, having sacrificed these kinds of choices in the past.

For me, seeing each other would mean fuelling the pathos that binds us, but also nurturing the desire to be together in a longer perspective, a desire that at the moment, unfortunately, is not compatible with the life paths we have chosen for ourselves.

Of the future we know nothing: by definition, there is no certainty in it.

What is certain on my part is that I have no intention of destabilising you, hurting you, lying to you, or giving you false hopes, at a time when, on the contrary, I intend you may would rather be free to look for someone who could actually be close to you, in this new place, in this new life, where you may be afraid of feeling lonely.

I cannot decide for you, and I will not. I will not impose my selfish romantic velleities.

I just wanted to be with you a little longer, again, one more last time, to experience without ulterior motives, one of those magical moments that life gives us - and which unfortunately our short relationship lacked - far away from the madding crowd.

I only ask you to please put your thoughts in writing when answering me. I would like to at least have a memory of your words, something to look back on, if I ever have any doubts.

Thank you for all the happiness you gave to me, and the magical moments shared together, which I shall never forget.

Good luck.